what's wrong with me?

thinking of the need to change myself for the better. shant be the mental me no more. should just be the normal, typical average girl. should be reserved. should be studious. should go home straight away after the school activity ends. should be.. yah.. the typical good girl. hahaha.* shant love no more, hate no more. shant go into too deep a relationship. shant have too good a friendship(do i even have true friendship?). turn everything into stone. love, hatred, friends, enemies.. and of course me. wannabe feelingless. no thoughts, no dreams, no feelings for anything or anyone.

they say ivechanged. changed? more cocky? more bitchy? more stucked-up? more petty? so i think she should change the negative to neutral. i dont want to be the me who goes around saying i love you dearie. i now want to be the hidden character. where nobody knows whom i am with, who my true friends are(do i even have any?), who am i. she wants to be the lonely soul. where nobody cares for me. they leave me to hell. where gates are widely open. need no consoles (would i even have any?), no pats on the back, no need for close friends to tell me anything(do they even treat me as one of them?). lalalalalalala.

three days before, i just wrote this on my homework diary "ilovemylife.iamneitherpoornorrich.liferocks. ihavegoodfriends,ihaveahappyfamily,iamnotthatugly." come to think of it, all of it is untrue. except for the family part. and yeah, twe used to rock. until.. arGh* and, what's past cannot be present. that three days ago WAS the past. and now is the present, where they say it is the gift, but i dont think its a pleasant one. tell me what you think of me. give me a bad comment. hahahah.*

arGh* people say they hate hypocrites. but they did not realise this, they themselves, is one too. are you sure, when you quarell, you dont go to another friend and tell him/her "i hate her. she's a bitch. blahblarhblah..)" ? i believe YOU did. i admit i did. that is why i dont say i hate hypocrites. i dont hate hypocrites. but i hate me. hahaha.* :b

crying crying crying* change change change. and people, if i dun ever talk to you again, that does not mean anything. i just wanna change myself from a used to be princess (only some pple take me as that. while my bestest best frens ask me to fuck off.) to a miserable piece of shit. a freak, a nerd, not funny, not friendly, unknown piece of living shit. though my sister told me stop wallowing in self pity. hahahahah* i thank her for that. and for those who say i suck, i thank YOU for that too. i did not know i was such a bitch, a arrogant fucked up 'princess', an overall not-perfect-at-all girl.

nobody would realise the lynn in her is gone.. so i guess.. doesnt make a difference if i change myself.
~notmiserable.justtryingnottobemeanymore.~
fu xuan lin (think i should change my e-mail address)
8:20 PM;