well, i just hope whoever that's around me are happy.
instead of troubling all your chums, why not just keep it to yourself?

i'd rather hurt myself than to hurt someone.
i'd rather give up than give in.
i'd rather...
i don't know, so many of what i wanted to say last night aren't coming out tonight.
i really think some things are meant to be forgotten. it's fated.

someone asked me "what was it that finally made you get into a relationship?"
i don't have the answer. i honestly don't know why and what made me do it instead of shrugging it off and shutting it down.

things done backstage, the audiences don't see. if one performer made a ruckus and brought it on stage cus something happened backstage, the audiences will think that the performer is unreasonably irritating. so she shall remain nonchalant and through pretense, she will pull through.

if you hurt yourself enough, you will find that it isn't that painful after all.


anw, now about myself, i have a blue black mark on the back of my hand. WHY?!
cus i slammed the coin on my palm onto the back of my hand while flipping a coin a few times.
absurd really. how stupid can things get?! grrrr.


will update more about my life when i'm more comfortable playing the hurt girl who needs a shoulder to cry on. but until then, i'm still a man. :) lucky i have an inner male ego. thanks for giving me male ego, otherwise i would be such an annoying whiner!
1:24 AM;





dang. i cannot say i'm 19 anymore. the day of hitting 2x is coming. omg, i'm gonna be an adult. this is so miserable.

ADULT = LIVING YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU DECIDE TO.

i cannot imagine living the rest of my life with a spouse that i think might live the rest of his life with me. what if he decides to leave me? what if another more awesome female comes in between? what if life becomes so bland that my love for him dies down?
and also..
i cannot imagine living the rest of my life as a career woman aka the independent woman. it's quite impossible, not that i cannot achieve it.. but i want kids. the independent woman often focus too much on work it's hard to even have any time for kids/husband. and no, i don't want to die without anyone to send me off.
and also..
i cannot imagine being a working adult. my parents are aging it's very bu yao lian to let them earn money to make me a living. they've already spent enough time keeping me alive.. now it's time to return the favour to keep both them and myself alive. geez..

i'm so not ready to be an adult. it's stupid really. if an average person lives up to 70 years old, 21 years is spent in school slogging, another 44 years spent working until retirement then there's only 5 years left to enjoy what you've made for yourself. but excuse me, by the time i hit 65, what life is there to enjoy?

i really don't understand why life has to be so difficult. who the hell came up with diplomas and degrees to qualify people in a job interview? tsktsk. and if i were to live a life like a typical person who slogs 9.9/10 of his life, i'd just die at the age of 65, seriously.

i still wanna play. be naive. go shopping. watch movies. skate. have barbecues. sleep overs. parties. wear my specs. i don't wanna grow up. :(
i have the peter-pan syndrome. argh. good? or bad?

and when my da jie told me about the problems my parents are facing, i didn't know what to say. how can i even fix anything? i've never been in such a situation.. and my parents didn't share it with me, so i am oblivious to all these adult matters.

i wonder how many singaporean families actually live happily.. like they dine at home as a family everyday, go for picnics/cycling every once a week at the beach, celebrate christmas, halloween and easter together, hold chalets on holidays with other relatives, have the family dine out at posh cuisine restaurants or hold huge parties with family and friends during birthdays, go on an overseas trip every once a year, sit down and watch tv every 7pm-9pm, gossip and talk about sensitive topics till midnight..

the rich are too busy handling clients, kids probably at home alone.
the moderate are too busy trying to earn money to pay off expenses, kids probably also at home alone. the poor are too busy working 5 PT jobs a day, kids probably at home too.
no matter what income group you are, it's the same. cus we're all singaporeans.
work to live or suffer.

but those super wealthy, sit at home shake leg got money earn cus they own huge companies.. their kids would be so pampered with luxuries and indulge in all the branded stuff, they'd probably wanna take 90% of the inheritence so the life of luxuries would still remain. if not take over parent's company cus the route is planned and the $$$ is all there. you think they'd actually go through the trouble of being a sales girl or promoter? i'd like to meet one if there's someone like that. but then, they'd probably wouldn't even bother looking at me. oh well.

i'm envious of people who live like that. it's unfair really. why is singapore a high expense living country? ARGH.

i want to be a traveller. i wanna travel around the world my whole life, exploring the different countries. i want to know how big the world is, i want to see how the lives others are living, i want to meet new people. don't want to fret over the future cus life is short. love it, live it or lose it. it's hard to love life when there's so much to worry about. so helpless... boo..
2:42 AM;





photos from cath's birthday which are long overdue. :L

i really look like a man/guy in this photo.. but with eye-liner.
blind-folded surprises are really terribly scary, but it delivers the surprises well :)
she's sex, i'm siti. sex and the siti.
mud-pie from hard rock cafe. 2 thumbs up.
it was 4 days before halloween so the lightings were.. ya.
3 main dishes: fish&chips, chicken mac and cheese pasta & full slab honey bbq ribs.
3 drinks: cecil iced tea, raspberry smoothie and lime juice (i think? omg i forgot).
1 dessert: mud pie!

these were the leftovers. HALF A SLAB OF RIBS GONE INTO THE TRASH. :(
i wanted to eat it.. but still digesting and they told us that they were keeping the kitchen.. boo.

kumar, star of the day went "eh, the girls today all very pretty ah? * points to our table* chinese? (we smiled and nodded our heads) you girls very pretty la. tsktsktsk."
yellow cap person paid 16bucks to enter to watch kumar's performance and talk. :L
it was nice. month of october has been really fulfilling. especially with these people.

well, then again, i'm back to the lifeless dump that i'm in. it's not that my days spent are terrible.. my days are spent doing the usual things that i always do.. it's so smooth-sailing.. no ups, no downs. bloody bullshit luh! why so peaceful! tsk.

i think i should get a part-time job and find a boss to quarrel with. then i should go register to get my driving license so i can get myself into a mess of lessons and exams. and i should escape from singapore. the life here is getting so hectic and stressful, everyone's dreaming REALLY big and it just pressures me cus i am satisfied with what i'm given, with what i have and the way i am. money, status, qualifications, fame..

i can only say i'm lucky to be the way i am, at least i'm not suffering like those who're living in poverty in cambodia or africa. i guess to me, it's good to earn enough just to pay off expenses, live in a cosy flat, afford a car and shop for good stuffs every once in 4 months. dang. it's scary. :( i hate singapore.
3:53 PM;






11:25 AM;

A thick waist almost doubles the risk of premature death, a major European study has found, showing there's nothing lovely about love handles (tummy fats).

Importantly, the risk is similar even when body mass index (BMI) fell within normal range, according to the authors of the study of 359,000 people, including 65.4 percent women, appearing in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

The research found that excess fat stored around the middle of the body was a major health risk even when people are not considered obese or even overweight by statistical BMI standards.

In fact, each five centimetre increase in waist size increased the risk of death by 17 percent in men and 13 percent in women.

5:46 PM;





a decision made, not to the child's consent.

sometimes parents don't make the best decisions.

they care so much about whatever that they care of that they don't think about how we feel, whether we'd feel unhappy about it and how we actually think about the situation.

who cares what the public eye thinks of. if it's righteous and doesn't affect them, why would you even take the public's opinion into consideration?

the decision made is quite upsetting. oh well...

decisions made are usually impulsive. often causing regret in future.
i think nobody is stupid enough to want to go through that, so hopefully the decisions made are good for both who're affected.

when i say i want a split, i don't usually mean it. but if one day i'm so insistent and he decides to give me a
leeway, that's probably it. i might live to regret, not knowing what i have done to myself.

i regret the decision i made months ago. see, we all live to regret. so what if i feel guilty? only i feel it.
let's self-destruct.

anw, been so occupied with i-don't-know-what.
had a good-but-not-so-good-afterall dinner with my family and er jie's bf family yseterday. alfred paid the bill the 1st time. hmm. cus he struck the lottery.. 50 grand okay! my sister won 10 grand. tsktsk. lucky asses. good luh. i think it's time for them to get married.

haha. i've been asking her, 'are you getting married to alfred?' and she says 'no money how to marry? you want to pay?'. the god answered her prayers. she wants to stike the lottery, someday, and there she did. she says no money to get married, and there money comes pouring in.
she's a chick and men who go for her are probably just lusty toads, alfred's quite a catch (ahem*) so yea. they should get married soon. i want to attend a wedding, so they should get married.

i think the news of it makes me happy. people getting married makes me happy. oh well. i shall be a wedding planner. haha. bullshit. i'm talking crap.

okay, i shall find something to do.. hope i'm entertaining enough to not bore you out with my entry.
hugs. i love you all. (:
4:55 PM;





another day spent at home.

fuck morons who take things for granted.

you're a nice person. you're a very nice girl. in fact, you're perfect.
so where in any fairtytale have you heard this? please tell me.
and if one day i come to realise, i might just run away for the future and leave past in the lurch.

truth be told the past is my future.
and the future after past i met is now the past after future comes in.
bewildering. but i shall just leave it as it is. i'm weary really.


speaking of it not only makes my blood boil but readers will get sick of it too.
who cares what roxanne does, as long as she's happy.
8:00 PM;






12:52 PM;